


Solace

by sansonaxy



Category: GOT7
Genre: Drug Use, Heavy Angst, Kim Yugyeom-centric, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, bambam is a really good friend tho, get you a friend like Bammie, i love my boy i just had to make him sad, really sad and tragic tho, sorry about that, these tags are real fuckin not fun, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-27 06:57:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15019172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sansonaxy/pseuds/sansonaxy
Summary: Kim Yugyeom’s scars run deep but he can always count on one person to be there.





	Solace

Yugyeom hates parties. It’s never about actually meeting people. It’s all about getting high, hooking up, or drinking and ever since that night he doesn’t feel safe at them. 

“Yugyeom, dude slow down.” 

“Do I know you?” Yugyeom asks, downing another cup of warm beer. It’s disgusting.

“Yeah, you do asshole. It’s your best friend, you need to slow down that’s like your fifth drink.” 

Yugyeom stares, dazed. “......Oh, hey BamBam! You want a hit?” He holds out a half-smoked blunt, grinning.

“Yugyeom, stop it you know you’re not supposed to freaking cross-fade!” BamBam yells, reprimanding and knocking the blunt out of the taller boys hand.

“Hey fuck you!” Yugyeom yells back, shoving BamBam and stomping away and disappearing into the mass of people.

“Yugyeom!”

He doesn’t listen. 

Yugyeom hates parties but he’s inexplicably drawn to them. He tells himself its to face his fear, to confront the pain, but it’s not. He comes to get fucked up so he can forget that he is fucked up. 

If he drinks enough maybe he can tame the fear that hides deep inside him and erupts every time he leaves the comfort, the safety of his bed. 

If he smokes enough maybe his life can feel like it hasn’t been destroyed. Maybe he can trick his body into thinking it hasn’t been violated beyond repair. 

“You looking for this?” 

“Mark-hyung!” Yugyeom cheers, reaching for his blunt. 

Mark pulls away. “I’ll give it to you if you smoke it with me. And no beer.”

Yugyeom pouts but nods and let’s Mark lead him to a vacant couch in the corner of the cramped living room.

“Where did you get this?” Mark asks, taking a hit. “Its really good.”

Yugyeom grins, taking a big hit for himself. “From your lawyer boyfriend.”

Mark frowns. “He’s not a lawyer yet and he’s not my boyfriend.”

“You fuck like he is.” 

“So do Jackson and BamBam but no one says anything.”

“They’re hoes.” Yugyeom takes another hit, his mind finally settling into a pleasurable haze.

“Nice way to talk about your friends.” 

Yugyeom ignores that. “Your boyfriend is looking over here.” Another hit.

Mark turns and Jinyoung is indeed giving them a side eye like he doesn’t know how to approach.

“Have fun,” Yugyeom teases when Mark gets up. 

“You’re done for tonight,” Mark replies, snatching the blunt and leaving before Yugyeom can protest.

“What the fuck?!” Yugyeom screeches, but no one listens. Why can’t people just let him do what he wants?! 

He doesn’t get up from the couch, just sits there upset. He isn’t gone enough yet. The cheap watered-down beer doesn’t work without the high and he doesn’t want to come down yet.

There isn’t anyone staring directly at him, but he swears he feels the glances. It’s too hot and he starts feeling trapped so he forces himself up off the couch to search for air. For some place without people.

He finds himself in the backyard, but it’s littered with people smoking and as tempting as it is to join, his mind is starting to clear up and all he wants is to be alone and away from criticizing eyes. 

“Yugyeom, come smoke a little!” some guy calls out to him. Who is that? 

“Maybe later,” he responds and keeps walking.

Walking is comforting to him. Unlike dancing (which he loves), it doesn’t strain his body. There’s no need for a destination, no reason other than to keep his body moving and his mind distracted. Alcohol and smoking keeps his mind occupied too, but they only last so long. He would walk forever if he could.

“Fuck, where am I?” 

He looks around and finds himself surrounded by flowers. He isn’t quite sure how he found the garden, but it’s pretty and devoid of people so he sits.

He’s tired. The high has long worn off and his head feels dizzy without it. He feels sick, suddenly tasting something bitter on his tongue like he wants to throw up. He gulps it down because he knows it’s not from the horrible combination of cheap beer and weed. It’s from the memory his mind couldn’t contain. 

It’s a cycle. He doesn’t want to feel, so he comes to parties to forget, but it never works. He remembers again and suffers until the next time he can afford to get fucked up. 

There are tears in his eyes now, and he’s surprised. It’s been a while since he’s actually cried about it. Crying is worse because it means it hurts. It means it was his fault, means they were right when they hurt him.

But it’s not his fault. It couldn’t ever be his fault because the victim cannot be at fault. That’s what his shitty therapist had told him during his first confession. But the bitch had done a complete turnaround when he confessed later to almost being raped at a party. 

_“Where you drinking? You know how you get when you drink Yugyeom.”_

_“Why does that matter?” Yugyeom had asked, hurt._

_“You shouldn’t have been drinking. Or using drugs, it makes you more vulnerable.”_

_“I thought it wasn’t the victims fucking fault,” Yugyeom hissed._

_“It’s not Yugyeom, it’s not your fault, but based on what we discussed, I’m sure you gave some inclination of interest in the person.”_

That was his last visit. 

How was it his fault that he was almost raped? It wasn’t his fault that some lowlife had tried taking advantage of him, he was supposed to enjoy his night without fear of danger, not be on the lookout for rapists.

Yet the stupid therapist insisted that it wasn’t his fault he was molested as a child. It wasn’t his fault that he was a defenseless child who was no match for an adult, but it was his fault that he was inebriated when he should’ve been wary? Fuck that.

“Fuck that and fuck you for damaging me,” Yugyeom whispered to himself and his fucking uncle. 

He didn’t even know or remember the bastards name. For the longest time he was just the shadow, the sin that followed him everywhere he went, branded him as defective. It lasted almost two years because the worthless asshole was self-employed and could visit almost everyday. 

The first time it happened Yugyeom did nothing. His body felt paralyzed and his mind escaped somewhere he couldn’t find.

The second time was terrifying. He couldn’t escape it, his mind was snapped into reality and this time all he could do was scream and cry and beg not to be hurt while he was pinned down and ruined.

From then on, it happened almost everyday because his parents would come in late from work, his dad would leave on trips or his mom would go out running errands. 

He never blamed his parents, but he felt abandoned. They were around, but not around long enough to notice the changes in their son. 

There were no more wide toothy smiles from him, he never laughed and giggled like he used to. He used to skip around the house singing at the top of his shrilly little lungs but now he didn’t speak unless spoken to and avoided eye contact. Even dancing, his first love and eternal treasure had felt insipid.

_“Yugyeom....why didn’t you report it to the police or tell your parents?”_

_He shrugged. “I don’t know...what if they didn’t believe it? They all liked him...”_

_“...You know we can still report it Yugyeom...”_

_“It doesn’t matter anymore. He’s dead.”_

Yugyeom didn’t believe in any god, didn’t believe in luck or fate. He had prayed too much and been ignored every time to be able to believe in anything.

_“You’re a big boy now so I’ll treat you like one my precious Yugyeommie.”_

Since the beginning, every kiss to his body felt like an incurable burn, every touch like an irreversible curse. He never knew it could get worse. 

_“Uncle will be back tomorrow Yugyeommie, I can’t wait to see you.” The man bared his disgusting yellow teeth at the boy, looking exactly like the predator he knew him to be._

Yugyeom said nothing. It was a ‘special day’ that time and this time he wasn’t able to escape either. He thought he had suffered every kind of pain imaginable, but it wasn’t until that day, the first time he’d been raped, that he knew what it truly felt like to want to die. 

_“Are you listening Yugyeom?” The man pinched his arm, gripping tightly._

_Yugyeom nodded. It hurt._

_“Good boy. We’ll have even more fun tomorrow, but it’s going to rain so I’ll be late.”_

_Another nod._

_“.....Aren’t you going to tell uncle to be safe, Gyeommie?”_

_“Drive safely....”_

_I hope you fucking crash and die, is what he really wanted to say._

That day was the worst day of Yugyeom’s life, but the next was the best.

He had lied awake all night, contemplating his sad existence and thought about dying.

_“Uncle can’t live without his precious Yugyeommie, you’re uncles everything, do you know that?”_

He was never a vengeful person, he didn’t want his family to hurt like he did, but his life, his living hell, was starting to become too much and he was starting to feel like there was only way to escape. 

It was terrifying that a child of his age would be thinking of something so grim, so unthinkable.

But Yugyeom never got the chance to think on it more.

His biggest regret is probably that he never got to see the bastard suffer. When they told him his uncle had died in a vicious car crash, he fell to his knees and sobbed. 

_“It’s okay, it’s okay don’t worry Yugyeommie, it will be okay,” his family consoled._

Idiots. 

Idiots, fucking idiots, all of them. Yes, he was crying, but he was crying for himself. For his freedom, for all he had lost, for the irony of it all.

He was free now, thought he would be free forever, but he wasn’t. It was only one time, only once that he’d been violated so horribly that he had wanted to die, but one time was all it took. One time was all it took for him to become damaged forever.

“Why didn’t you kill him before it happened? Why?!” Yugyeom sobbed to himself, to nothing.

Yugyeom hated crying, hated that he could never stop the tears that kept flowing when he was forced to remember that he could never truly be free.

He would always carry the scar of his uncles evil, would always feel the perversion hovering over him every time he started feeling better. 

It made him want to die all over again.

“...Gyeom!...Yugyeom!” BamBam was looking for him.

BamBam is probably the only friend who would still look for him even when he was being unreasonable. He was close enough to Mark and Jackson and sometimes Jaebum and his boyfriend Youngjae, but BamBam was his best friend. 

They’d met in high school when BamBam was just a baby-faced transfer student who barely knew the language and when Yugyeom was just trying to stay afloat.

There was a lot of turmoil in him during that time and he was usually seen as unapproachable, but BamBam still sauntered up to him and in scattered sentences tried to tell him a joke. 

It didn’t work but it was hilarious and ever since then their friendship flourished and they were now attending the same university.

Around BamBam, Yugyeom could forget most things and appreciate the new experiences. The boy was unpredictable, adventurous, and always sincere and everything about him made Yugyeom smile like he couldn’t even recall ever being hurt. 

But the past insists on stalking him.

It was some anniversary of his uncles death when it happened again. It wasn’t his parents fault, but when they called to remind him and talk about it, his blood ran cold. It had been a long time since he’d even thought about him and his death, his first year of university life had taken up all his time, he didn’t want to start remembering again.

So he partied. That was the first and worst party. It was some random frat party not even at their university. All he can remember is the brightness of the little pills, the burning of his nostril after his first (and last) taste of cocaine, the beer sloshing in his painfully empty stomach, and the misery he ended the night with.

_“Yo, Yugyeom! Come over here we got some real good shit from this transfer student!”_

Yugyeom didn’t even know the guy, can’t even really remember his face, but he went anyways. He went with some stranger to what he thought was another room but ended up in the bathroom.

_“Wh-Where’s the stuff?” Yugyeom slurred, looking around the small space, confused._

_“Right here.” The guy grabbed him and pulled him close, smashing their mouths together and Yugyeom cried out tasting blood on his lips._

_“H-Hey, no I don’t-“ He felt anxious, felt sick, felt wrong. He had never ever kissed anyone, it reminded him too much of him._

_“It’s okay I’ll take care of you Yugyeom.” The guy released him and Yugyeom reached out for the door, but he was pushed down onto his knees with a thud._

_“Ow! S-Stop it what’s — what are you doing?”_

_“Come on Yugyeommie take it like a big boy.” The guy unzipped his pants and before Yugyeom could protest, his mouth was shoved into the others cock._

_Yugyeom cried and coughed and gagged and tried to scream and scratch, but the guy just held his head down, thrusting into Yugyeoms mouth without a care._

_“Yugyeommie,” the guy breathed, and Yugyeom lost it._

_He felt like a child again, trapped and defenseless. It felt like he was kneeling before his uncle all over again, like his body was being desecrated all over again, except this time he couldn’t let it happen again, he couldn’t stand it, didn’t want to._

_He screamed again, muffled and used all his power to bite down._

_“Ah, fuck! What the fuck is wrong with you?!” he screamed as Yugyeom sobbed and tried retreating against the bathtub, but the room was too small._

_The guy kicked at him, again and again, spouting curses and Yugyeom could do nothing but lay there, wishing with all his might to die. Again._

_“Motherfucker! Open the door!” The door shook with the force of whoever was pounding._

_“Shit!” the guy said, stopping his assault on Yugyeom. “What, what is it?”_

_There was a kick at the door and Yugyeom whimpered clutching the side of the tub. “H-Help!” he tried yelling, but he could barely hear his own voice._

_“Yugyeom!”_

_But BamBam could hear it. BamBam knew it was Yugyeom who he saw being led away, high off his ass and unaware by some guy neither of them had met, so he kicked at the door even harder and called out to Jackson._

_“BamBam!” Yugyeom rasped and the guy cursed, kicking at Yugyeom again. “Shut up you fucking whore!”_

_The door couldn’t hold against Jackson and BamBam. It splintered open with a sharp crack and all hell broke loose._

_Jackson and BamBam immediately pounced on the guy, beating him into the floor._

_“B-Bam...Jackson...” Yugyeom cried. Everything hurt so much, everything was ruined._

_The two boys turned to him, and it was all the guy needed to get away. He pushed Jackson off of him, and ran._

_“Shit! Take care of Gyeom!” Jackson yelled and he ran after the guy, calling out for Jaebum to stop him._

From there all Yugyeom can remember is BamBam trying to comfort him and then suddenly being back at their shared dorm.

From what his friends have told him, Jaebum did stop the guy and he got the beating of a lifetime from him, Jackson, and even Youngjae (who Jaebum wasn’t even dating at the time). The police apparently showed up and that was the end of the party.

No one was innocent at that party, and everyone scrambled home immediately, but not without Jackson warning the guy not to say a word about anything if he wanted to live. 

Then the three of them ran, Jaebum and Youngjae to hook up with a promise to check on Yugyeom early the next morning and Jackson to his own dorm.

Yugyeom is grateful for what they all did for him, but that night he didn’t sleep and neither did BamBam.

_“Yugyeom...” BamBam started, hugging him close._

_They were laying together in Yugyeom’s room, BamBam cuddling him tightly from behind. They weren’t normally affectionate or touchy, but BamBam knew Yugyeom needed to be held. It wasn’t really weird for them after so many years of friendship and BamBam hadn’t released him since they’d gotten there._

_“It’s happened before.” His voice was still hoarse._

_“....When?”_

_“When I was a kid....”_

_“Yugyeom...I’m sorry.” BamBam was crying silently, face buried in Yugyeom’s broad back._

_“I’m sorry I never told you....” he whispered. “I’ve never told anyone I just....”_

_BamBam held him tighter. “Don’t ever fucking apologize for that, do you hear me? You never have to apologize for someone else’s mistakes.”_

The next morning was....awkward. Weird. Unreal. He woke with his face buried in BamBam’s chest, and the flash of a phone. 

_“You guys are cute.“ Mark._

_“Who let you in?” Yugyeom asked, untangling himself from BamBam and yawning with a wince. His mouth hurt..._

_“BamBam gave me a key for emergencies. Here, they told me what happened last night.” He handed Yugyeom an ice pack and he hissed when he touched it to his side._

_“....Are you okay?”_

He would hear that question from four different people that day. Jackson, Jaebum, and Youngjae would trail in and tell him what happened after BamBam took him home, all of them assuring him the guy would never try anything with anyone ever again. 

But Yugyeom felt guilty.

_“But what about the police...? What if he tells, I mean he knew my name, he can probably figure out who you all are. I don’t want you guys to get in trouble because of me...”_

_“Hey, shut up dummy,” Jaebum said, frowning. “You did nothing wrong, don’t even start thinking like that.”_

_“That piece of shit had it coming Gyeom.” Jackson said._

_“It’s true,” Youngjae added. “Anyone who tries hurting people like that doesn’t deserve to get off easy.”_

For someone who Jaebum once described as ‘an eternal sunshine’, the look in his eyes made Yugyeom shiver and appreciate he was on his side.

When he was a child, the only one on his side was himself. There was no one to go to, no one who’d protect him or care for him. Never in his life did he think there would be people who actually cared like this. 

The cops didn’t come for them and the incident was never reported. His friends never treated him differently, just a little more wary and protective, but he still never told them about his past. 

The only one who knew was BamBam. 

It was BamBam who was vehemently against him going back to parties, it was BamBam who has ushered everyone out the bedroom when he sensed that Yugyeom was close to crying from the affection of his friends. It was BamBam who befriended Jinyoung and got the number for a therapist (that he ultimately hated, but still the gesture was the important thing).

It was BamBam and would always be BamBam who would stay by his side no matter what. They would always be able to talk to each other freely. BamBam would always be the one who made him feel like he should enjoy things as much as possible. 

The others were his (close) friends and he was eternally grateful for how they dealt with the situation, but not all of them could deal with the aftermath of it.

His best friend was the one who understood Yugyeom’s fears and bouts of self-hatred because as confident and put together as BamBam was, even the greatest have off days. 

He understood that Yugyeom didn’t feel comfortable in open spaces with too many people and had no problem leaving or spending weekends at the dorm watching movies and dramas all day with him.

When Yugyeom couldn’t find it in himself to wear anything but sweaters and hoodies to cover everything, BamBam didn’t point it out and made sure no one else did either.

Even when Yugyeom couldn’t handle anyone’s company, even BamBam’s, the other boy wasn’t hurt.

_“There’s food in the fridge, so eat a little if you can and remember to drink water at least dude. Just text me when you feel better or if you need anything, don’t worry and just rest.”_

BamBam was truly the best person and greatest friend anyone could ever ask for and sometimes Yugyeom had to remind himself that he was someone’s friend too. He was BamBams friend and he wanted to act like it, wanted to make things easier for the both of them.

“I’m over here!” Yugyeom called, his voice cracking. Fuck.

“Dude are you crying?” BamBam ran over, dropping down beside Yugyeom.

“N-No,” Yugyeom stuttered, turning away to wipe at his swollen eyes.

“Liar.” BamBam wrapped an arm around his friend. “....Was it too much this time?”

Yugyeom sniffled and nodded. 

“Told you not to cross-fade dummy,” BamBam sighed. 

“Shut up.” Another sniffle.

“Next time let’s just stay in and watch Black Panther.”

“We’ve watched it like 12 times Bam.” 

“Doesn’t mean it still isn’t good,” BamBam countered. “Michael B. Jordan is a fine ass man.”

“You’re such a hoe,” Yugyeom chuckled. “....I’m sorry I pushed you and yelled....”

“It’s fine....It’s not your fault....let’s go back to the dorm, we can watch IronMan instead if you want, it’s Friday night so we can wake up late tomorrow.” He let go of Yugyeom.

Yugyeom was really glad he had someone like BamBam on his side, someone who would never betray or hate him. 

Someone who would support him even when he was being difficult.

Someone who would literally break down a door for him.


End file.
